My Years of Anger

Let go of anger, it eats you up and festers away leading you to self loathing and negative feelings.

I have spent nearly 24 years holding on to my anger following the early death of my mother in 1984. The anger led me to having a difficult relationship with my eldest daughter as a toddler and child, as we had a baby at that time (1983) for the sake of my mother as we knew her illness was terminal and thought it would give her the motivation to live. It did give her the motivation to live another 18 months, but instead of being happy about that extra time I resented her death for years. How dare she die! I needed her, I was only 24 myself, newly married and with a baby. A baby I would not have had if circumstances had been different as I was not ready for motherhood, although I love my eldest daughter to bits.

I have lived with this unreasonable anger, eating away at me, hating myself for the anger over the years and almost 'punishing' myself for it by eating uncontrollably.

Grief counselling was suggested, and I went for 2 extended periods of counselling but I never let go of my anger.

So what changed?

Out of the blue last year I felt a great need to go to the Spiritualist Church in a nearby town. I called my friend and, spookily, she was trying to phone me at the same time as she had the same urge. We only just got to the church before the doors closed for the start of the service. We had been 3 times before since 2000 when my friend's dad died without ever receiving any message from the medium conducting an exhibition of mediumship. I gave it a try before because my dad went to a Spiritualist Church after my mum died, it gave him comfort.

My friend walked into the Church behind me and she was the last person to enter the Church. When we sat down, she nudged me and said the medium, who was greeting people at the door, followed me with her eyes as I walked into the Church. I felt that this time I was definitely going to get a message through.

My friend and I both got messages through that night, although not until nearly the end of the demonstration. There was no questioning, just a clear message from both mum and dad. The medium, who does not know who is coming that night or the names of anybody there as you do not sign in or anything like that, looked straight at me and said she had my mum with her. My mum went on to tell me that she had never wanted to leave me but her body was ravaged by her illness and gave up on her (after 4 years of battling cancer that was so true). My dad came through as well, although he had only died about 3 months before. The medium told me dad had thrown his walking sticks away, was dancing again, and said he had a lot of ailments. That made my friend and I laugh as dad would often regale people about all his ailments, but I suppose you cannot live to be 83 without loads of things going wrong with your body. He still had his mind though. The medium was spot on. Mum and dad met in a dance hall in Suckiehall Street, Glasgow and loved dancing all their lives. By the end of his days dad walked with the aid of 2 walking sticks.

I discovered when dad died that he had given up on his prostate cancer treatment to hasten his death, his choice. Although I felt cheated of another year or two with him I could understand that he wanted to be with mum and did not resent him that wish. His end message for me was that he was where he wanted to be and was happy, dancing, mobile and without pain again.

My friend got the last message of the service, and her message proved to both of us that the messages were genuine as they contained details that nobody else could know.

Since that Sunday night I have come to terms with my anger at mum and am now thinking of the positive times with her. I am happy mum and dad are reunited. Letting go of that anger has helped my to be more positive, live for today whilst helping my tomorrows, and like myself more. Being more positive has led me to being able to gain more control over my life and my diet.

Don't hold onto anger, let it go. If you are angry with a partner, child or friend always put it behind you before you go to bed. This will help you to wake up positive instead of angry and bitter in the morning. Anger turns in on yourself and can lead to overeating, among other things. Let go of the anger and make up before bed time, you will like yourself more in the morning when you wake up.

diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging, anger, Spiritualism