Communication!

Communication!

Easy to say, difficult to do. Talking, writing, blogging, emailing, or just showing communication by action - holding hands, cuddling, making a persons favourite meal. All of these are vital so that those around us know where they are with us, can help us, support us and be supported by us.

Why do I find communication so hard then? I have had 50 years of bottling everything up and only recently started to tell those around me how I feel, what I think, or why I do something. By bottling up grief, anger, fear, hate, love, disappointment, unhappiness or any other emotion, I find comfort in food. There is a point at which I could open up or eat. Since January 2007 I have been slowly turning myself around by opening up, for a long time with complete anonymity. This has made a huge difference to me. I can deflect a major eating moment, day or week more readily now by telling my OH what I am feeling, wanting, or thinking. Since last year I have also been able to share with the Scottish Slimmers Forum and my blog. Yet, at times of stress I can revert back to my shell and hide how I feel.

I find it so much easier to hide my thoughts and feelings and take comfort in food.

This last week has seen just that. Me reverting back to the old, uncommunicative, hurting person again. Why? I am facing change again. Another new consultancy project to start next week - new people, challenges, tasks, place to stay. It gets harder the older I get, and is made worse because I am not the fit, well person I used to be. I find myself feeling slightly resentful at my OH because the family rely on my money and I feel trapped into having to keep earning.

My fear and resentment kicked in big time this week. I thought I was coping well, I kid myself that I am looking forward to the new opportunity I am starting next week. I lied to myself. By Monday night the false happy front I had put up crumbled and I raided my suitcase for all the 'treats' I had packed for my 3 days in Scotland. Crisps, chocolate, biscuits, wine from the hotel bar, mars bar! Tuesday was no better. Trying to complete the work I had in order to finish the consultancy kept me working from 8.00am to midnight. I set myself little targets, keep working for another 2 hours and I could have chocolate, another 2 hours and I could have more chocolate and crisps, get through to the end and I could have wine, crisps and chocolate! Wednesday was going so well until I found that the trains home to England were disrupted and was left to trail between Glasgow stations and over to Edinburgh. I then found I was stood for 40 minutes until a seat became available. My knees, both crumbling with arthritis, were in agony and pain seared through my body, but I remained stoic. Then I hit food and wine big time when I got home. I have only been able to slowly start to bring the binging under control since Thursday, and the weekend has been better. Yet I am still not communicating. I am still hurting.

I want tenderness from my OH, but because I feel bad about myself and my lack of control this week I flinch away from him when he cuddles me. I get up very early so that I am not there when he wakes up. I don't deserve love, kindness and tenderness.

What would make a difference? Communication. Tell my OH how I feel. Share with him, and now my blog today, my worries and fears. Tell him the truth about how I feel and work it through with him.

I do not want to have to keep working away from home. I did not give up a job I loved in London in order o work away from home for months on end, I wanted to spend more time with my OH not less. My OH has been in a temporary contract until the end of March and was interviewed on Friday for a possible extension to the contract. 2 people were going for 1 contract extension of 3 months. I prayed and wished that he did not get it. My wish came true. That means he can travel with me to the West Midlands every week and we can be together. When we are together, even when I am working away from home, I can cope and carry on PEPing. Yet this was such a selfish wish.

I am going to make a resolution with myself. I am going to try even harder to communicate. It is a two way thing, if I communicate with my OH and family they will feel they can share their worries and fears and joys with me.

Food must not be the first comfort I turn to. Food must not be a comfort to me at all, it is only fuel for energy.

Telling those closest to you how you feel, what you want and sharing your dreams is vital. It helps them to share with you as well. Communicate with those closest to you, encourage them to talk to you, listen to them. Don't turn to food, turn to those you love and who love you. Friends, family, Scottish Slimmers Forum and my blog.

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