Letting Go of Past Problems

'Hanging on to a problem sometimes hurts more than the problem itself: isn't it time to let go? Especially if this is a one time hurt and the incident or accident you're grieving over isn't likely to happen again, the best thing you and everyone else can do is: forget it! What does it matter if it's in the past and you have so much to look forward to? Don't let what's gone before prevent you from enjoying what's in the here and now.'

My Russell Grant horoscope for today.

How true! I have been hanging on to a hurt that has gone back years. I was very disappointed that Mum and Dad did not let me go to Grammar School when I passed my 13 plus because they thought it was better to be top of a bad school (Torells Comp, Secondary Modern when I went), than bottom of a good school (Palmer's). My brother passed his 11 plus and I didn't, so he went off to boarding Grammar school, hence I say little of him for years as he often used holidays to go on school trips and exchange visits.

This hurt switched me off to education after my GCE's and the environment of the schools I was left at meant that by 16, with no boyfriend, I was going to be 'left on the shelf'. Many of the girls I was as Torells with were having babies before they left school. Gym-slip mum's they used to be called.

My feelings of self worth took a plummet and after that I would do anything to get and keep a boyfriend. I rushed into the first unsuitable marriage that came along, ditching boyfriends that were nicer people and treated me well for a morose, selfish, childish man who had a violent drink fuelled temper. Why, he was kind to me once, he needed a skivvy and a 'doormat', and he was occasionally nice to me.

The marriage lasted only 18 months, most of those I spent miserable and feeling trapped. Two things woke me up to the fact that I did not have to continue in a loveless (on my part) violent marriage.

1) My brother started at University in London (where I was living) and visited me. When he visited after one of my then husband's drunken rampages he was shocked, but said nothing. He upped the number of times he visited, often 2 or 3 times a week, and took me out. We went to the National Theatre quiet often, last minute standing tickets were very cheap in those days. Showing me what I was missing as a young 21 year old helped to wake me up to the reality of my life.

2) My then husband and I were going to enter into a 25 year mortgage to buy an ex-London Council property. I realised I could not face 25 years of drunken rages, escalating violence, childlike selfish behaviour with this man. I left. I went home to Mum and Dad. They never ever said we told you so.

One amusing thing in this sorry time of my life was the wedding present my parents bought my then husband and I - twin beds!! What a blessing they turned out to be after a few weeks of 'married' bliss.

Did I know what he was like when I married him, in honesty? Yes. He had already knocked me about, but I thought he was the best I deserved.

I had no self worth. I had carried this lack of self-worth through from when my brother's education was thought more important than mine. Yet that is too simplistic, as my parent's fully supported me in education and always encouraged me to work hard at school. They did what they did because they thought the change at 13, and having to go back a year at school, would have not been in my best interests. If only we all were blessed with hind-sight!

These feelings of low self-worth have carried on throughout my life and eventually led to me being driven to 'prove' myself, and keep proving myself through education and career. From the age of 30, when I became an absolutely driven person, my whole self-worth was based on getting higher and higher qualifications and progressing up the work career ladder. I needed to prove to myself and my family (husband, brother, father, in-laws) that I was as clever as them. Apart from Dad, I was the only person in my close family who had not gone to university. Sadly, Mum had died 6 years earlier.

Before I left full-time permanent work I ended up an Assistant Director of Resources at a London Borough Council earning 4 times the national average wage!

Educationally I had worked for, and gained a first degree, a Masters Degree and a professional accountancy qualification. I had 2 children under 5 at the start of my education/career path. By the time I was studying for my accountancy qualification I was working full-time, the girls were at school, and I was at at college part-time. During this time I also gained over 15 stone in weight - although the total weight gain is more than that, if you took on board the yo-yo dieting!

It took quite a bit of counselling to help me let go of my mental belief that I was defined as a person by my job and high salary, before I left my job. I am still getting used to that concept nearly 2 years after leaving my job. Yet I have never been out of work since, long and short term interim assignments - all at the same level! What did I worry about? I honestly don't know.

I learnt early on about never making the same mistake of marrying someone because they were 'kind' to me once. I have been happily married to my second husband for over 25 years now, although we have had our problems, it has not been a completely smooth path. The difference the second time around is that he treated me as an equal partner and supported me 100% in whatever I have done, and likewise I support him 100%. We have give and take, and compromise, but above all we have love and respect.

My brother would be mortified to realise that I was so hurt by the decision not to send me to Grammar and to let him go to boarding Gramme school. He has been so proud of my educational and career achievements, as has the rest of my close family. My girls have taken from the experience that they can live their dreams, and to never stop dreaming. At least I got one thing right, I did not hamper my girls with the same feelings of worthlessness and lack of self esteem that I felt for years!

Now I have to do what Russell Grant says, let go of that one hurt of 37 years ago when a choice was made by my parent's to leave me at Torells rather than let me go to the Grammar school. Hanging on to that problem has harmed me more than the decision my parents made in good faith. I have to fully let go of the problem and enjoy what is in the here and now. The here and now and my future happiness are more important than 1 decision made all those years ago.

At last putting this down is making me cry!!

diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging, wife beating, school, education, self esteem, marriage