Communication!
Easy to say, difficult to do. Talking, writing, blogging, emailing, or just showing communication by action - holding hands, cuddling, making a persons favourite meal. All of these are vital so that those around us know where they are with us, can help us, support us and be supported by us.
Why do I find communication so hard then? I have had 50 years of bottling everything up and only recently started to tell those around me how I feel, what I think, or why I do something. By bottling up grief, anger, fear, hate, love, disappointment, unhappiness or any other emotion, I find comfort in food. There is a point at which I could open up or eat. Since January 2007 I have been slowly turning myself around by opening up, for a long time with complete anonymity. This has made a huge difference to me. I can deflect a major eating moment, day or week more readily now by telling my OH what I am feeling, wanting, or thinking. Since last year I have also been able to share with the Scottish Slimmers Forum and my blog. Yet, at times of stress I can revert back to my shell and hide how I feel.
I find it so much easier to hide my thoughts and feelings and take comfort in food.
This last week has seen just that. Me reverting back to the old, uncommunicative, hurting person again. Why? I am facing change again. Another new consultancy project to start next week - new people, challenges, tasks, place to stay. It gets harder the older I get, and is made worse because I am not the fit, well person I used to be. I find myself feeling slightly resentful at my OH because the family rely on my money and I feel trapped into having to keep earning.
My fear and resentment kicked in big time this week. I thought I was coping well, I kid myself that I am looking forward to the new opportunity I am starting next week. I lied to myself. By Monday night the false happy front I had put up crumbled and I raided my suitcase for all the 'treats' I had packed for my 3 days in Scotland. Crisps, chocolate, biscuits, wine from the hotel bar, mars bar! Tuesday was no better. Trying to complete the work I had in order to finish the consultancy kept me working from 8.00am to midnight. I set myself little targets, keep working for another 2 hours and I could have chocolate, another 2 hours and I could have more chocolate and crisps, get through to the end and I could have wine, crisps and chocolate! Wednesday was going so well until I found that the trains home to England were disrupted and was left to trail between Glasgow stations and over to Edinburgh. I then found I was stood for 40 minutes until a seat became available. My knees, both crumbling with arthritis, were in agony and pain seared through my body, but I remained stoic. Then I hit food and wine big time when I got home. I have only been able to slowly start to bring the binging under control since Thursday, and the weekend has been better. Yet I am still not communicating. I am still hurting.
I want tenderness from my OH, but because I feel bad about myself and my lack of control this week I flinch away from him when he cuddles me. I get up very early so that I am not there when he wakes up. I don't deserve love, kindness and tenderness.
What would make a difference? Communication. Tell my OH how I feel. Share with him, and now my blog today, my worries and fears. Tell him the truth about how I feel and work it through with him.
I do not want to have to keep working away from home. I did not give up a job I loved in London in order o work away from home for months on end, I wanted to spend more time with my OH not less. My OH has been in a temporary contract until the end of March and was interviewed on Friday for a possible extension to the contract. 2 people were going for 1 contract extension of 3 months. I prayed and wished that he did not get it. My wish came true. That means he can travel with me to the West Midlands every week and we can be together. When we are together, even when I am working away from home, I can cope and carry on PEPing. Yet this was such a selfish wish.
I am going to make a resolution with myself. I am going to try even harder to communicate. It is a two way thing, if I communicate with my OH and family they will feel they can share their worries and fears and joys with me.
Food must not be the first comfort I turn to. Food must not be a comfort to me at all, it is only fuel for energy.
Telling those closest to you how you feel, what you want and sharing your dreams is vital. It helps them to share with you as well. Communicate with those closest to you, encourage them to talk to you, listen to them. Don't turn to food, turn to those you love and who love you. Friends, family, Scottish Slimmers Forum and my blog.
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging,
Showing posts with label Do As I Say. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Do As I Say. Show all posts
Sunday, 16 March 2008
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Never Give Up
Never give up.
That is the best advice I can give. Even when you have a set back, a food binge, gain weight over a holiday or festive period, or for whatever reason, get right back on track again and carry on. Easier said than done, I know. It is much easier to just say 'to hell with it' and carry on binging, following your old eating habits. Why is that? I know that in the past, when I went off track, I was too embarrassed to go back and admit what I had done. That is why I am (was) a yo-yo dieter. When I was 22 I got within 1st 3lbs of target weight (with the old Slimming Magazine clubs - the group at Victoria, London). I went on holiday to Holland and Germany and came back almost a stone heavier (oh dear, no control). I gave up, through embarrassment, and did not go back. The weight pilled on again and by the time a married 3 years later I was 3 stone heavier.
The next major weight loss was in 2000, with Scottish Slimmers/Weight Management and I lost over 7st, but I gave up when I had a hysterectomy and never went back. This time I gained nearly 8st before starting again in January 2007. This time I am not giving up, it may be coming off slowly, and I may have my ups and downs (weight and mood wise) but when I fall off the PEP I climb right back on again the next day.
This time I am not going to give up! Don't you give up either!
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging
That is the best advice I can give. Even when you have a set back, a food binge, gain weight over a holiday or festive period, or for whatever reason, get right back on track again and carry on. Easier said than done, I know. It is much easier to just say 'to hell with it' and carry on binging, following your old eating habits. Why is that? I know that in the past, when I went off track, I was too embarrassed to go back and admit what I had done. That is why I am (was) a yo-yo dieter. When I was 22 I got within 1st 3lbs of target weight (with the old Slimming Magazine clubs - the group at Victoria, London). I went on holiday to Holland and Germany and came back almost a stone heavier (oh dear, no control). I gave up, through embarrassment, and did not go back. The weight pilled on again and by the time a married 3 years later I was 3 stone heavier.
The next major weight loss was in 2000, with Scottish Slimmers/Weight Management and I lost over 7st, but I gave up when I had a hysterectomy and never went back. This time I gained nearly 8st before starting again in January 2007. This time I am not giving up, it may be coming off slowly, and I may have my ups and downs (weight and mood wise) but when I fall off the PEP I climb right back on again the next day.
This time I am not going to give up! Don't you give up either!
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging
Never Go Shopping on an Empty Stomach
I have lots of life experience of dieting and a great deal of advice and knowledge that I can pass on to others. The only this is, I am not so good as following my own advice. On a regular basis I will share with you an experience we can all learn from, taken from my daily life where I have not followed my own good advice. Do as I say, not as I do!
Today:
Never go shopping on an empty stomach.
Why? Because when you do you will raid the nearest shop for high carb, high fat, high sugar, high calorie snacks you did not have on your PEP planner. Today I decided to go out at lunch time, to by the other half a ticket for the next away football match, without eating my lunch first. Lunch was no check veg chilli and no check tomato soup (quick to prepare). I thought I could manage until I got back. Instead I found the car taking me to Gregg and a piece of Christmas cake and a bacon and cheese wrap! Oh dear me!! Next time I will only go out on a full stomach, like you will.
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging
Today:
Never go shopping on an empty stomach.
Why? Because when you do you will raid the nearest shop for high carb, high fat, high sugar, high calorie snacks you did not have on your PEP planner. Today I decided to go out at lunch time, to by the other half a ticket for the next away football match, without eating my lunch first. Lunch was no check veg chilli and no check tomato soup (quick to prepare). I thought I could manage until I got back. Instead I found the car taking me to Gregg and a piece of Christmas cake and a bacon and cheese wrap! Oh dear me!! Next time I will only go out on a full stomach, like you will.
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging
Saturday, 23 February 2008
My Years of Anger
Let go of anger, it eats you up and festers away leading you to self loathing and negative feelings.
I have spent nearly 24 years holding on to my anger following the early death of my mother in 1984. The anger led me to having a difficult relationship with my eldest daughter as a toddler and child, as we had a baby at that time (1983) for the sake of my mother as we knew her illness was terminal and thought it would give her the motivation to live. It did give her the motivation to live another 18 months, but instead of being happy about that extra time I resented her death for years. How dare she die! I needed her, I was only 24 myself, newly married and with a baby. A baby I would not have had if circumstances had been different as I was not ready for motherhood, although I love my eldest daughter to bits.
I have lived with this unreasonable anger, eating away at me, hating myself for the anger over the years and almost 'punishing' myself for it by eating uncontrollably.
Grief counselling was suggested, and I went for 2 extended periods of counselling but I never let go of my anger.
So what changed?
Out of the blue last year I felt a great need to go to the Spiritualist Church in a nearby town. I called my friend and, spookily, she was trying to phone me at the same time as she had the same urge. We only just got to the church before the doors closed for the start of the service. We had been 3 times before since 2000 when my friend's dad died without ever receiving any message from the medium conducting an exhibition of mediumship. I gave it a try before because my dad went to a Spiritualist Church after my mum died, it gave him comfort.
My friend walked into the Church behind me and she was the last person to enter the Church. When we sat down, she nudged me and said the medium, who was greeting people at the door, followed me with her eyes as I walked into the Church. I felt that this time I was definitely going to get a message through.
My friend and I both got messages through that night, although not until nearly the end of the demonstration. There was no questioning, just a clear message from both mum and dad. The medium, who does not know who is coming that night or the names of anybody there as you do not sign in or anything like that, looked straight at me and said she had my mum with her. My mum went on to tell me that she had never wanted to leave me but her body was ravaged by her illness and gave up on her (after 4 years of battling cancer that was so true). My dad came through as well, although he had only died about 3 months before. The medium told me dad had thrown his walking sticks away, was dancing again, and said he had a lot of ailments. That made my friend and I laugh as dad would often regale people about all his ailments, but I suppose you cannot live to be 83 without loads of things going wrong with your body. He still had his mind though. The medium was spot on. Mum and dad met in a dance hall in Suckiehall Street, Glasgow and loved dancing all their lives. By the end of his days dad walked with the aid of 2 walking sticks.
I discovered when dad died that he had given up on his prostate cancer treatment to hasten his death, his choice. Although I felt cheated of another year or two with him I could understand that he wanted to be with mum and did not resent him that wish. His end message for me was that he was where he wanted to be and was happy, dancing, mobile and without pain again.
My friend got the last message of the service, and her message proved to both of us that the messages were genuine as they contained details that nobody else could know.
Since that Sunday night I have come to terms with my anger at mum and am now thinking of the positive times with her. I am happy mum and dad are reunited. Letting go of that anger has helped my to be more positive, live for today whilst helping my tomorrows, and like myself more. Being more positive has led me to being able to gain more control over my life and my diet.
Don't hold onto anger, let it go. If you are angry with a partner, child or friend always put it behind you before you go to bed. This will help you to wake up positive instead of angry and bitter in the morning. Anger turns in on yourself and can lead to overeating, among other things. Let go of the anger and make up before bed time, you will like yourself more in the morning when you wake up.
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging, anger, Spiritualism
I have spent nearly 24 years holding on to my anger following the early death of my mother in 1984. The anger led me to having a difficult relationship with my eldest daughter as a toddler and child, as we had a baby at that time (1983) for the sake of my mother as we knew her illness was terminal and thought it would give her the motivation to live. It did give her the motivation to live another 18 months, but instead of being happy about that extra time I resented her death for years. How dare she die! I needed her, I was only 24 myself, newly married and with a baby. A baby I would not have had if circumstances had been different as I was not ready for motherhood, although I love my eldest daughter to bits.
I have lived with this unreasonable anger, eating away at me, hating myself for the anger over the years and almost 'punishing' myself for it by eating uncontrollably.
Grief counselling was suggested, and I went for 2 extended periods of counselling but I never let go of my anger.
So what changed?
Out of the blue last year I felt a great need to go to the Spiritualist Church in a nearby town. I called my friend and, spookily, she was trying to phone me at the same time as she had the same urge. We only just got to the church before the doors closed for the start of the service. We had been 3 times before since 2000 when my friend's dad died without ever receiving any message from the medium conducting an exhibition of mediumship. I gave it a try before because my dad went to a Spiritualist Church after my mum died, it gave him comfort.
My friend walked into the Church behind me and she was the last person to enter the Church. When we sat down, she nudged me and said the medium, who was greeting people at the door, followed me with her eyes as I walked into the Church. I felt that this time I was definitely going to get a message through.
My friend and I both got messages through that night, although not until nearly the end of the demonstration. There was no questioning, just a clear message from both mum and dad. The medium, who does not know who is coming that night or the names of anybody there as you do not sign in or anything like that, looked straight at me and said she had my mum with her. My mum went on to tell me that she had never wanted to leave me but her body was ravaged by her illness and gave up on her (after 4 years of battling cancer that was so true). My dad came through as well, although he had only died about 3 months before. The medium told me dad had thrown his walking sticks away, was dancing again, and said he had a lot of ailments. That made my friend and I laugh as dad would often regale people about all his ailments, but I suppose you cannot live to be 83 without loads of things going wrong with your body. He still had his mind though. The medium was spot on. Mum and dad met in a dance hall in Suckiehall Street, Glasgow and loved dancing all their lives. By the end of his days dad walked with the aid of 2 walking sticks.
I discovered when dad died that he had given up on his prostate cancer treatment to hasten his death, his choice. Although I felt cheated of another year or two with him I could understand that he wanted to be with mum and did not resent him that wish. His end message for me was that he was where he wanted to be and was happy, dancing, mobile and without pain again.
My friend got the last message of the service, and her message proved to both of us that the messages were genuine as they contained details that nobody else could know.
Since that Sunday night I have come to terms with my anger at mum and am now thinking of the positive times with her. I am happy mum and dad are reunited. Letting go of that anger has helped my to be more positive, live for today whilst helping my tomorrows, and like myself more. Being more positive has led me to being able to gain more control over my life and my diet.
Don't hold onto anger, let it go. If you are angry with a partner, child or friend always put it behind you before you go to bed. This will help you to wake up positive instead of angry and bitter in the morning. Anger turns in on yourself and can lead to overeating, among other things. Let go of the anger and make up before bed time, you will like yourself more in the morning when you wake up.
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging, anger, Spiritualism
Friday, 8 February 2008
Be Honest With Yourself
Be honest with yourself.
It sounds easy to say 'be honest with yourself' yet my experience as a morbidly obese person is that I delude myself, I am not honest with myself (even now sometimes). Lies we tell ourselves (and others):
I am overweight because I have a slow metabolism;
I am overweight because of genes;
I eat like a sparrow;I gain weight on 600 calories (24 checks) a day;
I remembered to write everything down that I ate and drank yesterday and counted every check;
I have been good with my diet today, nothing passed my lips that I had not planned to eat;
I do like myself;I only weight myself once a week, at weigh in day;
I reported my correct weight through to my Dietline consultant;I don't care what other people think about my body, I love it anyway;
I am happy.I am sure you can think of many other examples of ways in which we lie to ourselves and others, if not everyday at least once in a while.
I am overweight because I ate too much, exercised too little and deluded myself about what I was really eating. Example 1: when the girls were small they would leave their Easter and Christmas chocolate lying around the house half finished and expect it to be where they left it so that they could finish it off. It was always there when they were looking for it because I was careful to replace it after I had eaten the original.
Example 2: When I was on my own in the house I would raid the cupboards for anything I could binge eat on, toast, cheese, cakes, biscuits, chocolate (usually something bought for a particular meal later in the week) and eat the whole lot, then I would carefully replace it so that it was still in the cupboard when the OH came home from work/girls came home from school. I would tell them I was not hungry and skip dinner, trying to look the slimming martyr. I would be so full up I could barely manage a pea, let alone dinner!
Example 3: I ate like a sparrow in front of people (only able to manage small helpings) because I had binged on 2 or 3 boxes of chocolate, whole cakes and packets of biscuits when on my own. Always careful to hide the evidence.
Example 4: When I say I was always careful to hide the evidence, that is a lie as well. I used to hide it in my wardrobe and hope that my OH would find it and realise I had a problem. Years later he admitted that he did find it but did not know what to do to help me!
Example 5: I like myself, I take care of my appearance and always look clean and presentable with a cheerful smile on my face. Behind that is the dark days where I can barely get out of bed, let alone get washed and dressed. Whole weekends can pass my by in a state of miserable unwashedness, and I certainly don't smile. The harder I try to be cheerful, without a care in the world the more I come crashing down afterwards. That is not a person who likes themselves.
Example 6: on 3 occasions I have lied about my weight to my Dietline consultant because I was embarrassed, upset, felt I had let her down (and let myself down) about weight gains. That is my one new year resolution to myself this year, tell the truth about weight gains as well as weight losses. The daft thing is that if you lose that weight and more you cannot share the joy of the weight loss either! The madness is that I am talking about 2 or 3 lbs only! No more. The positive is that I am on my second set of 12 weeks with Dietline and am sticking with it and achieving success. I weight gain in the past would have seen me avoiding the class so that I was not confronted by my shame and the class manager. That would have been the end to the weight loss attempt. Not facing my weight gain shame has at least kept my going successfully with Dietline. Funnily, I never lied on my ticker - that would have been too much!
Example 7: I don't care what people think. Yes I do, very much. I have been abused in the street, called names, sneered at and commented about/to on buses and trains. I have been made to feel a freak, a 'less than person', a circus side show. There are a lot of very cruel people out there who feel they have the right to tell me what they think of my obesity. Every time I felt humiliated, hurt, upset, and would often console myself with food. I do not feel I have the right to make comments about other people unless those comments are invited, and I do not feel I have the right to make hurtful comments to anybody - I always try to be encouraging. It is a shame others do not feel the same, but yes I do mind those comments very much and I do care what others think.
You have to start to like yourself and keep liking yourself, warts and all, in order to successfully face the battle of dealing with 50 years of weight gain which has left you at 26 st 2 lbs.
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging
It sounds easy to say 'be honest with yourself' yet my experience as a morbidly obese person is that I delude myself, I am not honest with myself (even now sometimes). Lies we tell ourselves (and others):
I am overweight because I have a slow metabolism;
I am overweight because of genes;
I eat like a sparrow;I gain weight on 600 calories (24 checks) a day;
I remembered to write everything down that I ate and drank yesterday and counted every check;
I have been good with my diet today, nothing passed my lips that I had not planned to eat;
I do like myself;I only weight myself once a week, at weigh in day;
I reported my correct weight through to my Dietline consultant;I don't care what other people think about my body, I love it anyway;
I am happy.I am sure you can think of many other examples of ways in which we lie to ourselves and others, if not everyday at least once in a while.
I am overweight because I ate too much, exercised too little and deluded myself about what I was really eating. Example 1: when the girls were small they would leave their Easter and Christmas chocolate lying around the house half finished and expect it to be where they left it so that they could finish it off. It was always there when they were looking for it because I was careful to replace it after I had eaten the original.
Example 2: When I was on my own in the house I would raid the cupboards for anything I could binge eat on, toast, cheese, cakes, biscuits, chocolate (usually something bought for a particular meal later in the week) and eat the whole lot, then I would carefully replace it so that it was still in the cupboard when the OH came home from work/girls came home from school. I would tell them I was not hungry and skip dinner, trying to look the slimming martyr. I would be so full up I could barely manage a pea, let alone dinner!
Example 3: I ate like a sparrow in front of people (only able to manage small helpings) because I had binged on 2 or 3 boxes of chocolate, whole cakes and packets of biscuits when on my own. Always careful to hide the evidence.
Example 4: When I say I was always careful to hide the evidence, that is a lie as well. I used to hide it in my wardrobe and hope that my OH would find it and realise I had a problem. Years later he admitted that he did find it but did not know what to do to help me!
Example 5: I like myself, I take care of my appearance and always look clean and presentable with a cheerful smile on my face. Behind that is the dark days where I can barely get out of bed, let alone get washed and dressed. Whole weekends can pass my by in a state of miserable unwashedness, and I certainly don't smile. The harder I try to be cheerful, without a care in the world the more I come crashing down afterwards. That is not a person who likes themselves.
Example 6: on 3 occasions I have lied about my weight to my Dietline consultant because I was embarrassed, upset, felt I had let her down (and let myself down) about weight gains. That is my one new year resolution to myself this year, tell the truth about weight gains as well as weight losses. The daft thing is that if you lose that weight and more you cannot share the joy of the weight loss either! The madness is that I am talking about 2 or 3 lbs only! No more. The positive is that I am on my second set of 12 weeks with Dietline and am sticking with it and achieving success. I weight gain in the past would have seen me avoiding the class so that I was not confronted by my shame and the class manager. That would have been the end to the weight loss attempt. Not facing my weight gain shame has at least kept my going successfully with Dietline. Funnily, I never lied on my ticker - that would have been too much!
Example 7: I don't care what people think. Yes I do, very much. I have been abused in the street, called names, sneered at and commented about/to on buses and trains. I have been made to feel a freak, a 'less than person', a circus side show. There are a lot of very cruel people out there who feel they have the right to tell me what they think of my obesity. Every time I felt humiliated, hurt, upset, and would often console myself with food. I do not feel I have the right to make comments about other people unless those comments are invited, and I do not feel I have the right to make hurtful comments to anybody - I always try to be encouraging. It is a shame others do not feel the same, but yes I do mind those comments very much and I do care what others think.
You have to start to like yourself and keep liking yourself, warts and all, in order to successfully face the battle of dealing with 50 years of weight gain which has left you at 26 st 2 lbs.
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging
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