'Hanging on to a problem sometimes hurts more than the problem itself: isn't it time to let go? Especially if this is a one time hurt and the incident or accident you're grieving over isn't likely to happen again, the best thing you and everyone else can do is: forget it! What does it matter if it's in the past and you have so much to look forward to? Don't let what's gone before prevent you from enjoying what's in the here and now.'
My Russell Grant horoscope for today.
How true! I have been hanging on to a hurt that has gone back years. I was very disappointed that Mum and Dad did not let me go to Grammar School when I passed my 13 plus because they thought it was better to be top of a bad school (Torells Comp, Secondary Modern when I went), than bottom of a good school (Palmer's). My brother passed his 11 plus and I didn't, so he went off to boarding Grammar school, hence I say little of him for years as he often used holidays to go on school trips and exchange visits.
This hurt switched me off to education after my GCE's and the environment of the schools I was left at meant that by 16, with no boyfriend, I was going to be 'left on the shelf'. Many of the girls I was as Torells with were having babies before they left school. Gym-slip mum's they used to be called.
My feelings of self worth took a plummet and after that I would do anything to get and keep a boyfriend. I rushed into the first unsuitable marriage that came along, ditching boyfriends that were nicer people and treated me well for a morose, selfish, childish man who had a violent drink fuelled temper. Why, he was kind to me once, he needed a skivvy and a 'doormat', and he was occasionally nice to me.
The marriage lasted only 18 months, most of those I spent miserable and feeling trapped. Two things woke me up to the fact that I did not have to continue in a loveless (on my part) violent marriage.
1) My brother started at University in London (where I was living) and visited me. When he visited after one of my then husband's drunken rampages he was shocked, but said nothing. He upped the number of times he visited, often 2 or 3 times a week, and took me out. We went to the National Theatre quiet often, last minute standing tickets were very cheap in those days. Showing me what I was missing as a young 21 year old helped to wake me up to the reality of my life.
2) My then husband and I were going to enter into a 25 year mortgage to buy an ex-London Council property. I realised I could not face 25 years of drunken rages, escalating violence, childlike selfish behaviour with this man. I left. I went home to Mum and Dad. They never ever said we told you so.
One amusing thing in this sorry time of my life was the wedding present my parents bought my then husband and I - twin beds!! What a blessing they turned out to be after a few weeks of 'married' bliss.
Did I know what he was like when I married him, in honesty? Yes. He had already knocked me about, but I thought he was the best I deserved.
I had no self worth. I had carried this lack of self-worth through from when my brother's education was thought more important than mine. Yet that is too simplistic, as my parent's fully supported me in education and always encouraged me to work hard at school. They did what they did because they thought the change at 13, and having to go back a year at school, would have not been in my best interests. If only we all were blessed with hind-sight!
These feelings of low self-worth have carried on throughout my life and eventually led to me being driven to 'prove' myself, and keep proving myself through education and career. From the age of 30, when I became an absolutely driven person, my whole self-worth was based on getting higher and higher qualifications and progressing up the work career ladder. I needed to prove to myself and my family (husband, brother, father, in-laws) that I was as clever as them. Apart from Dad, I was the only person in my close family who had not gone to university. Sadly, Mum had died 6 years earlier.
Before I left full-time permanent work I ended up an Assistant Director of Resources at a London Borough Council earning 4 times the national average wage!
Educationally I had worked for, and gained a first degree, a Masters Degree and a professional accountancy qualification. I had 2 children under 5 at the start of my education/career path. By the time I was studying for my accountancy qualification I was working full-time, the girls were at school, and I was at at college part-time. During this time I also gained over 15 stone in weight - although the total weight gain is more than that, if you took on board the yo-yo dieting!
It took quite a bit of counselling to help me let go of my mental belief that I was defined as a person by my job and high salary, before I left my job. I am still getting used to that concept nearly 2 years after leaving my job. Yet I have never been out of work since, long and short term interim assignments - all at the same level! What did I worry about? I honestly don't know.
I learnt early on about never making the same mistake of marrying someone because they were 'kind' to me once. I have been happily married to my second husband for over 25 years now, although we have had our problems, it has not been a completely smooth path. The difference the second time around is that he treated me as an equal partner and supported me 100% in whatever I have done, and likewise I support him 100%. We have give and take, and compromise, but above all we have love and respect.
My brother would be mortified to realise that I was so hurt by the decision not to send me to Grammar and to let him go to boarding Gramme school. He has been so proud of my educational and career achievements, as has the rest of my close family. My girls have taken from the experience that they can live their dreams, and to never stop dreaming. At least I got one thing right, I did not hamper my girls with the same feelings of worthlessness and lack of self esteem that I felt for years!
Now I have to do what Russell Grant says, let go of that one hurt of 37 years ago when a choice was made by my parent's to leave me at Torells rather than let me go to the Grammar school. Hanging on to that problem has harmed me more than the decision my parents made in good faith. I have to fully let go of the problem and enjoy what is in the here and now. The here and now and my future happiness are more important than 1 decision made all those years ago.
At last putting this down is making me cry!!
diet, dieting, obesity, weight loss, fatblogging, wife beating, school, education, self esteem, marriage
Showing posts with label My History. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My History. Show all posts
Sunday, 10 February 2008
Sunday, 14 October 2007
My History - Growing Up, Government Fight Obesity!!
Today the government announced that obesity would become a national problem in the next 15 - 20 years and more had to be done to tackle it. They also said individuals had to take some of the responsibility.
That is all well and good, but the reasons for obesity are varied and complex and a one size answer will not fit all.
Even as a teenager I was always on the larger side, not overweight then but size 14 where I grew up in Essex (where we moved to after Scotland) was large. At the time I swam for Thurrock and Essex at a County level, which involved training 5 days a week and 1 night a week. I was up and cycling to the swimming pool (from Chadwell St Mary to Blackshots) at 6.30 every morning and would then cycle on to school. Exercise was not lacking throughout my school life as I either swam almost daily or cycled everywhere. Yet I was still considered big in an area where many of my school friends (and school bullies) were stick insects and did not exercise at all. Why was that?
My mother was Scottish and my father was from Somerset, so we had a strong tradition of hearty meals in our house. Plenty of mince, stews and vegetables (piles of mashed potatoes and swede). We did not have puddings but I would snack after school on bread and jam. As a good Scot, I did like my sweet things - Lee's Macaroon bars and chocolate covered marzipan. If I was a really good girl my parents would take me to a sweetie heaven shop in Glasgow (near Maryhill) and buy me a huge chocolate covered marzipan bar and a large 'homemade' chocolate covered macaroon bar. I could make myself sick eating it all.
You have to understand the Scottish and Scotland, it is a beautiful country but most people lived in grey or red sandstone tenaments in a grey world most of the time. As a child of the 60s in Scotland I rarely saw any sun, I had to travel to England (Somerset to see my grandparents) to see the sun. Scotland did, and still does, have the most beautiful scenery of anywhere in the world though. When we moved to England, firsly Kent for a few months and then Essex, I struggled with being an outsider for years and developed into a lonely person on the inside who was the class clown on the outside. Being the class clown deflected the worst of the bullying I was subjected to until I bagan to fight back and the bullying stopped.
My older childhood was lonely because my brother went off to a termly boarding Grammar School, and over the years came home less and less as he went away with friends during the term end holidays. My brother was 19 before I started to get to know him again in London. By then he was at university and I was married to my first husband (who was handy with his fists from time to time). During those teenage years I went to the local Secondary Modern school, which later became a Comprehensive school.
So where does this lead to - I grew up eating hearty home cooked food and learnt from an early age that special treats come in extra sweet chocolate covered wrappings!
Throughout my life, happy or sad times have been accompanied by extra sweet chocolate covered treats to help me get through.
Depression, self loathing, a feeling of being worthless and useless, remorse, grief and guilt have been with me since my late teens and I have never been able to fully deal with those feelings. I work extra hard to try and earn good feelings about myself, but no matter how successful I am (and I have been very successful) I still come back to a lack of self worth and torturing myself with guilt over everything I should have done or should have said. How do I cope with continually feeling worthless, useless, guilt-riddent and carrying my grief - I give myself treats of chocolate of course!
By Thursday night as I travel home from work I am normally very tired, fed-up and in need of a treat - a Bounty Bar usually finds its way into my hand and mouth (the nearest thing to Lees Macaroon bars in England). I often find that I have eaten a Mars Bar as well, an instant sweet boost.
Do I need help to cope with my sweet addiction, because it is an addiction? Or do I need help with breaking the cycle of treating myself, on good and bad days with sweets? Or do I need help with learning to deal with my self-loathing, guilt ridden, grief? I have tried counselling 3 times in the past, but fear of what I will find at the end has always stopped me going for further long-term counselling.
I do know this, I am very, very unhappy weighing 23st and just want to be normal - whatever that means.
dieting, 
weight loss, 
diet, 
obesity, 
fatblogging, 
depression, 
Scotland
That is all well and good, but the reasons for obesity are varied and complex and a one size answer will not fit all.
Even as a teenager I was always on the larger side, not overweight then but size 14 where I grew up in Essex (where we moved to after Scotland) was large. At the time I swam for Thurrock and Essex at a County level, which involved training 5 days a week and 1 night a week. I was up and cycling to the swimming pool (from Chadwell St Mary to Blackshots) at 6.30 every morning and would then cycle on to school. Exercise was not lacking throughout my school life as I either swam almost daily or cycled everywhere. Yet I was still considered big in an area where many of my school friends (and school bullies) were stick insects and did not exercise at all. Why was that?
My mother was Scottish and my father was from Somerset, so we had a strong tradition of hearty meals in our house. Plenty of mince, stews and vegetables (piles of mashed potatoes and swede). We did not have puddings but I would snack after school on bread and jam. As a good Scot, I did like my sweet things - Lee's Macaroon bars and chocolate covered marzipan. If I was a really good girl my parents would take me to a sweetie heaven shop in Glasgow (near Maryhill) and buy me a huge chocolate covered marzipan bar and a large 'homemade' chocolate covered macaroon bar. I could make myself sick eating it all.
You have to understand the Scottish and Scotland, it is a beautiful country but most people lived in grey or red sandstone tenaments in a grey world most of the time. As a child of the 60s in Scotland I rarely saw any sun, I had to travel to England (Somerset to see my grandparents) to see the sun. Scotland did, and still does, have the most beautiful scenery of anywhere in the world though. When we moved to England, firsly Kent for a few months and then Essex, I struggled with being an outsider for years and developed into a lonely person on the inside who was the class clown on the outside. Being the class clown deflected the worst of the bullying I was subjected to until I bagan to fight back and the bullying stopped.
My older childhood was lonely because my brother went off to a termly boarding Grammar School, and over the years came home less and less as he went away with friends during the term end holidays. My brother was 19 before I started to get to know him again in London. By then he was at university and I was married to my first husband (who was handy with his fists from time to time). During those teenage years I went to the local Secondary Modern school, which later became a Comprehensive school.
So where does this lead to - I grew up eating hearty home cooked food and learnt from an early age that special treats come in extra sweet chocolate covered wrappings!
Throughout my life, happy or sad times have been accompanied by extra sweet chocolate covered treats to help me get through.
Depression, self loathing, a feeling of being worthless and useless, remorse, grief and guilt have been with me since my late teens and I have never been able to fully deal with those feelings. I work extra hard to try and earn good feelings about myself, but no matter how successful I am (and I have been very successful) I still come back to a lack of self worth and torturing myself with guilt over everything I should have done or should have said. How do I cope with continually feeling worthless, useless, guilt-riddent and carrying my grief - I give myself treats of chocolate of course!
By Thursday night as I travel home from work I am normally very tired, fed-up and in need of a treat - a Bounty Bar usually finds its way into my hand and mouth (the nearest thing to Lees Macaroon bars in England). I often find that I have eaten a Mars Bar as well, an instant sweet boost.
Do I need help to cope with my sweet addiction, because it is an addiction? Or do I need help with breaking the cycle of treating myself, on good and bad days with sweets? Or do I need help with learning to deal with my self-loathing, guilt ridden, grief? I have tried counselling 3 times in the past, but fear of what I will find at the end has always stopped me going for further long-term counselling.
I do know this, I am very, very unhappy weighing 23st and just want to be normal - whatever that means.
dieting, weight loss, diet, obesity, fatblogging, depression, Scotland
Sunday, 4 March 2007
My History - Feeling guilty!
I am the classic yo-yo slimmer. From childhood (a very, very long time ago) I have been a big girl, most of the time bigger than 'normal'. I was an active child with cycling and swimming but when I started work, and the activity stopped, the weight started creeping on.
There have been times when the weight came off, always through going to a slimming club, and these times were usually connected to wanting to impress a new boyfriend. That is the key, I have never slimmed for myself! I have always slimmed for someone else!!
The other key to success I have recently identified is the link between my emotions and eating for comfort. I suppose I have always known there was a link between how I felt or what had just happened to me and eating. Whenever someone upset me or I was unhappy or I was bored or I needed comfort or..................(any excuse really) I would eat.
I can (could?) eat any amount of chocolate, cheese, biscuits, cakes, crisps, ravioli, mashed potato with cheese and tomato sauce, tomato soup etc that was in the house at any time - as well as my breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
Everybody thinks I am a really happy person with a very happy marriage and 2 lovely children. I have had a super career, for which I have had to work hard to get there, and have 2 lovely homes (England and France). So why did I get to be 26st 2lbs?
Until the beginning of January my health has been declining greatly with arthritis of the knees, breathing difficulties, depression, constant tiredness, unable to sleep. Walking anywhere was a chore, especially as I had fractured a knee a couple of years ago in a fall and I have not fully recovered from that. I virtually crawl upstairs and waddle around all the time. The impact this has on my confidence is huge and I end up thinking that I have to put up with what life throws at me because I have no other options. Don't get me wrong, despite how I might appear to people I am not the super confident, organised and cheerful person everybody else sees.
I have been struggling with making decisions, I have had dark thoughts about the future (would my family be better off without me? Well, yes financially they would). I am fed up to the back teeth with how I feel and how I look.
How did I get here then? The turning point in my life was 1983. I had given birth to a lovely daughter, yet I found it difficult to bond with her because I had her for my mum (who was dying) and I was going to have to go back to work when she was 6 months old just to keep a roof over our heads. My husband loved her from the beginning, she was the first thing he noticed when he came home from work, not me. I was jealous of a baby, but I was also desperately unhappy because I was going to lose my mum and would not be able to stay at home with my baby. Of course, I had not heard of post-natal depression - depression happened to celebrities and rich people with the time to be depressed.
Within 2 months life settled down a bit and sexual relations with my husband resumed (there had never been a problem in that department since the day we met in the 1970's). That was when life threw a googly at me, the first time we resumed our sex life I fell pregnant again. I believed that if you were breast feeding you could not fall pregnant! How stupid!
I was ill from the beginning but I was also sick at heart, I could not possibly keep this baby. There was absolutely no way we could afford it, and I could not cope with 2 babies under a year old and supporting my dad with my dying mother. With a terrible heart I made the decision to seek advice about a termination, so at 6 weeks pregnant I went ahead with the termination with the support of my husband. Life changed after that. After the termination I had to be hospitalised as an emergency as part of the placenta had been left behind and this left me very ill and potentially unable to have further children. I took this as a punishment from God, I had committed (to me) the worst sin of all.
My GP tried to help me cope by telling me I would probably not have survived a pregnancy due to how badly my body reacted to the hormone changes. Pregnancy is the only time I can lose stones without trying! For all 3 pregnancies I was constantly sick from beginning until about 24 weeks and ended up in hospital with severe dehydration. My GP said I had not given my body a chance to recover, and the pregnancy test was weak. Nothing he said helped, I felt I would have been a better person to try with the pregnancy and die or lose the baby naturally, rather than take the action I did.
I have spent a life-time taking my guilt out on me and, and to a large extent my husband and family - 24 years of guilt have led me to being 26st 2lb in January this year. I could not stand for my husband to touch me and, apart from the occasional attempt, we have had a mainly celibate marriage for those 24 years. Sex is not a normal part of our married life, it is a special occasion when we stay at 'posh' hotels. Despite some up and downs during those years, we have grown closer together and are best friends. We are the only two people who will tell one another the truth rather than what they want to hear.
We did have another child 3 years later. This time my body was telling me to have a baby, there was a huge longing which could only be resolved by having a baby. The conception was pained, still riddled with guilt as I was, and again without realising it or being able to put a name on it, I suffered from post natal depression. The only good thing was being able to afford to be at home to bring up both my children - an experience I loved. Don't think it was perfect though.
I was a strict mother and could be very horrible to my children, especially my eldest. I sometimes think I was resentful of her as my life changed so much after having her, and I had her to make my dying mother happy not because I was ready or wanted children. I was even more resentful as my husband doted on her, and 24 years later still does! When I realised I was having a problem holding my temper, especially when I was tired, I got very scared about the damage and hurt I could cause to my children (especially my eldest). That was a wake up call to me and I owned up to my husband about my actions and my fears for the safety of my children when I got mad with them. We worked through that. When I felt myself losing control I would phone him and talk it through, I would also just put the children to bed or take them to a friends house and I would go to bed until I felt able to cope again. Eventually I learned how to recognise the signs of losing control and put coping strategies in place to avoid them or minimise them.
Nowadays there are help lines for new (all) parents to help them cope, but in my day you feared that Social Services would condemn you and take your children away! How long did my period of feeling out of control last, no more than 6 months at most. I had not heard of, or realised, that I might be suffering from post-natal depression. I just thought I was a bad mother. By then my own dearly loved mother had died and I felt bereft and alone. I felt I had nobody to turn to.
I love my children dearly and try very hard not to put my guilt and fears on to them. I also try very hard to accept them warts and all and just support them through whatever life throws at them. As the years of gone on I have grown to love my first child very dearly, and have always loved my second child unconditionally from birth.
The biggest thing to blight my life has been my own guilt and being unable to deal with it. I call it beating myself up, I am very good at that.
There have been times when the weight came off, always through going to a slimming club, and these times were usually connected to wanting to impress a new boyfriend. That is the key, I have never slimmed for myself! I have always slimmed for someone else!!
The other key to success I have recently identified is the link between my emotions and eating for comfort. I suppose I have always known there was a link between how I felt or what had just happened to me and eating. Whenever someone upset me or I was unhappy or I was bored or I needed comfort or..................(any excuse really) I would eat.
I can (could?) eat any amount of chocolate, cheese, biscuits, cakes, crisps, ravioli, mashed potato with cheese and tomato sauce, tomato soup etc that was in the house at any time - as well as my breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
Everybody thinks I am a really happy person with a very happy marriage and 2 lovely children. I have had a super career, for which I have had to work hard to get there, and have 2 lovely homes (England and France). So why did I get to be 26st 2lbs?
Until the beginning of January my health has been declining greatly with arthritis of the knees, breathing difficulties, depression, constant tiredness, unable to sleep. Walking anywhere was a chore, especially as I had fractured a knee a couple of years ago in a fall and I have not fully recovered from that. I virtually crawl upstairs and waddle around all the time. The impact this has on my confidence is huge and I end up thinking that I have to put up with what life throws at me because I have no other options. Don't get me wrong, despite how I might appear to people I am not the super confident, organised and cheerful person everybody else sees.
I have been struggling with making decisions, I have had dark thoughts about the future (would my family be better off without me? Well, yes financially they would). I am fed up to the back teeth with how I feel and how I look.
How did I get here then? The turning point in my life was 1983. I had given birth to a lovely daughter, yet I found it difficult to bond with her because I had her for my mum (who was dying) and I was going to have to go back to work when she was 6 months old just to keep a roof over our heads. My husband loved her from the beginning, she was the first thing he noticed when he came home from work, not me. I was jealous of a baby, but I was also desperately unhappy because I was going to lose my mum and would not be able to stay at home with my baby. Of course, I had not heard of post-natal depression - depression happened to celebrities and rich people with the time to be depressed.
Within 2 months life settled down a bit and sexual relations with my husband resumed (there had never been a problem in that department since the day we met in the 1970's). That was when life threw a googly at me, the first time we resumed our sex life I fell pregnant again. I believed that if you were breast feeding you could not fall pregnant! How stupid!
I was ill from the beginning but I was also sick at heart, I could not possibly keep this baby. There was absolutely no way we could afford it, and I could not cope with 2 babies under a year old and supporting my dad with my dying mother. With a terrible heart I made the decision to seek advice about a termination, so at 6 weeks pregnant I went ahead with the termination with the support of my husband. Life changed after that. After the termination I had to be hospitalised as an emergency as part of the placenta had been left behind and this left me very ill and potentially unable to have further children. I took this as a punishment from God, I had committed (to me) the worst sin of all.
My GP tried to help me cope by telling me I would probably not have survived a pregnancy due to how badly my body reacted to the hormone changes. Pregnancy is the only time I can lose stones without trying! For all 3 pregnancies I was constantly sick from beginning until about 24 weeks and ended up in hospital with severe dehydration. My GP said I had not given my body a chance to recover, and the pregnancy test was weak. Nothing he said helped, I felt I would have been a better person to try with the pregnancy and die or lose the baby naturally, rather than take the action I did.
I have spent a life-time taking my guilt out on me and, and to a large extent my husband and family - 24 years of guilt have led me to being 26st 2lb in January this year. I could not stand for my husband to touch me and, apart from the occasional attempt, we have had a mainly celibate marriage for those 24 years. Sex is not a normal part of our married life, it is a special occasion when we stay at 'posh' hotels. Despite some up and downs during those years, we have grown closer together and are best friends. We are the only two people who will tell one another the truth rather than what they want to hear.
We did have another child 3 years later. This time my body was telling me to have a baby, there was a huge longing which could only be resolved by having a baby. The conception was pained, still riddled with guilt as I was, and again without realising it or being able to put a name on it, I suffered from post natal depression. The only good thing was being able to afford to be at home to bring up both my children - an experience I loved. Don't think it was perfect though.
I was a strict mother and could be very horrible to my children, especially my eldest. I sometimes think I was resentful of her as my life changed so much after having her, and I had her to make my dying mother happy not because I was ready or wanted children. I was even more resentful as my husband doted on her, and 24 years later still does! When I realised I was having a problem holding my temper, especially when I was tired, I got very scared about the damage and hurt I could cause to my children (especially my eldest). That was a wake up call to me and I owned up to my husband about my actions and my fears for the safety of my children when I got mad with them. We worked through that. When I felt myself losing control I would phone him and talk it through, I would also just put the children to bed or take them to a friends house and I would go to bed until I felt able to cope again. Eventually I learned how to recognise the signs of losing control and put coping strategies in place to avoid them or minimise them.
Nowadays there are help lines for new (all) parents to help them cope, but in my day you feared that Social Services would condemn you and take your children away! How long did my period of feeling out of control last, no more than 6 months at most. I had not heard of, or realised, that I might be suffering from post-natal depression. I just thought I was a bad mother. By then my own dearly loved mother had died and I felt bereft and alone. I felt I had nobody to turn to.
I love my children dearly and try very hard not to put my guilt and fears on to them. I also try very hard to accept them warts and all and just support them through whatever life throws at them. As the years of gone on I have grown to love my first child very dearly, and have always loved my second child unconditionally from birth.
The biggest thing to blight my life has been my own guilt and being unable to deal with it. I call it beating myself up, I am very good at that.
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